Cowboy Wisdom

All the sage quotes and wonderful advice from My Cowboy, preserved in one handy place. If you ever need to know something, just check here! (Or if you’re just in the mood for a laugh or two . . .)

“Pretty good?! We don’t strive for ‘pretty good’ around here!”

“There’s no whining in quilting!”

“I’m gonna start callin’ you Liberace. Coz you’re the peein’-est.”

“It’s hot. Ya think it’s acceptable if I just wear my underwear and my chaps?”

“I’ve felt newborn puppy farts put out more air than that fan’s a-doin’.”

“There’ll be a motivational speech before bedtime tonight.”

“Ya haven’t quite put the worm in the water, is that what yer tellin’ me?”

“The answer is what I tell you the answer is.”

“Harassing you is just one more of the many services I provide.”

“The moral of the story is this: You cannot pick up a turd by its clean end.”

“C’mon, c’mon . . . a little more work, a lot less whistlin’ . . . get at it.”

“Are you using telekinesis, or osmosis, to get that quilt finished?”

“I believe that’s a tainted buzzer.”

“It’s Saturday night. I’m sposed to be dee-jayin’ . . .”

“Right now, I think a newborn kitten could whup me.”

“Trees: Nature’s Barn.”

“The sound of the alarm clock is the worst noise in the world.”

“Please take good care of my horse.”

“Ya know, you could send out some Christmas cards and throw all yer friends into a state o’ shock ’cause you did somethin’ Christmas-y.”

“If she had any teeth, she was hidin’ ’em in her pocket.”

“They must be illegitimate. They cain’t spell worth a darn.”

“I see you’ve put dawdling high on your list of things to do today.”

“You better stick with quiltin’. Don’t be thinkin’ you can just jump into the kitchen and make yer own microwave dinner.”

“My mind is as clean as a vat o’ soap.”

“Well, Mildred, I never promised you much. And I think I’ve over-delivered.”

“I’m the ramrod o’ this here ranch.”

“That’s just gonna confuse my palate.”

“Better to die like a tiger, than live like a pussy.”

“Crepes?! We don’t eat them things around here. Them’s French!”

“Nuts are good for ya. And I’m a heart patient. I’m sposed ta forage like a woodland creature.”

“It appears that I took you in under false pretenses.”

“It’s too bad I’m not rich and good-lookin’, instead of just good-lookin’ and smart.”

“It’s about the time of year for me to start doin’ chores in my underwear.”

“You’d best not hang my undies on the clothesline with all the other laundry. We don’t need every woman in the neighborhood cruisin’ by here.”

“I’m only statin’ the oblivious.”

“I’m gonna buy a cattle prod to use on you. And I’ll even use it per Temple Grandin’s specifications.”

“Yer nut-job attractor’s workin’ overtime.”

“Good morning. Three Stooges Construction — How may we help you?”

“It’s like tryin’ to supervise kindy-garden finger paintin’ day.”

“What have I told you about followin’ directions? The only directions you need to follow are the ones I give you.”

“In the immortal words o’ yer boyfriend: ‘Get Er Dun!'”

“I’m tryin’ to help you be a better person. Yer my little project from above.”

“Ther’s a traffic jam at the lick tub. Ther backed up six deep.”

“It’s a tad muggy out, Granny. We’re gonna stick together like sorghum ‘n’ biskits!”

“Now THAT’s some good blog fodder right there!”

“I’m sure you have a lot more regrets from your past life than I do.”

“Ther ain’t no breeze in Hades.”

“Today, to mask the stench of rotting corpses, we’ll be using Apple Cinnamon, from Renuzit.”

“The way that dog snores, I think she needs a C-PUP machine.”

“Good job! It’s not every 60-year-old woman who can pull off the look of an 80-year-old.”

“Oh, great! Yer horse is poopin’ in the field.”

“Yer cat acts like she’s tryin’ to drink at one o’ them waterin’ holes in Nairobi.”

“It wears me out tryin’ to keep you workin’ all day.”

“You ran around like a squirrel that’s a month late preparing for winter.”

“Awww. That just made me all chicken-skinned.”

“Please. Cookin’ one meal does NOT make you a Stepford Wife.”

“Dammit! Bein’ a genius is so stressful.”

“You hafta know how to categorize yer vegetables: Brussels sprouts are tooters, corn are pooters.”

“The phone may be smart, but the user ain’t.”

“I’m too pretty for prison.”

“What?! NOT skull-duggery! That ranks right up there with chicanery!”

“All my knowledge is theoretical or hypotenuse.”

“I am a veritable smorgasbord of insightful information, a plethora of geniosity. How can you not be writing this down?”

“I have excellent portion control. I only eat what’s on my spoon.”

“You didn’t know I’s bilateral, didja? My expansive knowledgebase is nothin’ to be laughed at.”

“They gave me paperwork for a ‘Living Will’. If I had some crayons, I could fill it out.”

“Come on! We gotta GO, cos the longer I stand here, the better lookin’ I get.”

“You can only be so open-minded before yer brain just falls out.”

“I hope supper’s good, ’cause I’m hungry as a newborn calf.”

“Lean over here so I don’t hafta pull yer hair so hard.”

“You always mistake my being honest for being mean.”

“Yer reapin’ the benefits of yer ways, girl.”

“I’ll do all the invoicing from now on.”

“We need to curb some of your enthusiasm about cooking.”

“There’s no team in I.”

“You should not have that much of a gleam in yer eye when I tell you I’m leavin’.”

“I’ve never seen someone be so happy about bein’ so far behind.”

“I’m gonna upcycle. It’s a new trick word I learned off the Internet. I think it means it’s still junk, but I’m gonna charge you twice as much for it.”

“I learned one thing while you were gone: Don’t let the dog eat the leftover rice and beans and then lay in front of the fan.”

“YOU are just holdin’ me back from my dreams! How’m I gonna build my empire if you keep squelchin’ me?”

“It’s a good thing he didn’t try to use big words.”

“Them that takes to the bed, the bed takes.”

“My omelet-flippin’ abilities just flew out the window. It’ll still be scrumptious — it’ll just be scrumptious in pieces.”

“It’s an antihistamine. It blocks the hist.”

“He’s all dollars, and no sense.”

“Hope nobody’s Google-earthin’ this farm right at the moment!” (As he’s standin’ in the driveway in his underwear.)

“You put the Pro in Procrastinator.”

“Since I’m a philanderer, I’ll donate some money to that. You know that’s just a big word for someone who likes to donate money to things, right?”

“As much as I hate doing ALL the cooking, I’m still gonna have to ban you from the kitchen.”

“My life would be so different if only my career in porn would’ve gone strong.”

“‘Quiche’ is an old Cowboy term meaning ‘ther ain’t no food.'”

“You didn’t sleep in. You just got up early for evening chores.”

“I see Assisted Living in your future.”

“Just a sip? You gotta slug ‘er down all copious-like!”

“Yer selective memory is hilarious!”

“I think the fabric fumes are makin’ you senile.”

“I’m the best cook I’ve ever slept with. Hell, I’m probly the best cook YOU ever slept with.”

“I don’t need yer logic. You can just keep it to yerself.”

“I need to wash these jeans, but I’m tryin’ to be like Beethoven. He used to wear his clothes till they fell off him, and us geniuses need to stick together.”

“Things is blurry, Granny. I must have me the glaucoma.”

“That’s what ‘marriage’ means: the woman does what she’s told.”

“Damn you, Voice of Reason!”

“Go past 20, then come back to just a little south o’ dark.”

“You see just well enough to gitjerself in trouble, don’tcha?”

“I like hats. Like Imelda Marcos likes shoes.”

“Maybe I better go see a man about a horse real quick.”

“I’m sposed ta be a Trophy Husband.”

“Next time let me roll it for ya. I cain’t have you runnin’ around here with a loose fajita.”

“It’s not every day you see deer antlers in a baby bassinet in the back of a pickup truck in a Sonic parking lot.”

“Is this gonna be one o’ those days when I have to drive you somewhere while yer bindin’ a quilt?”

“I don’t need to win you over. I already own you.”

“I don’t need you to show me anything . . . . ‘cept a good time!”

“Hell hath no fury like a collator with no table space.”

“I can’t take much more of your insubordination and constant caterwaulin’.”

“Beans are yer friend.”

“This isn’t real casual Friday — it’s kinda casual Wednesday.”

“Orange cupcakes bring me to life.”

“Hmm. The calendar says that Valentine’s Day is on the 14th this year.”

“Chili: The farter starter kit.”

“Hello, Pot? This is Kettle.”

“Pico de gallo means ‘sauce of the rooster.'”

“I wonder if Marie Callender’s children ever said to her, ‘Mom! We’re sick of carrots!'”

“The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf would sure love to take lessons from you!”

“I bet they don’t have this kind of insubordination at Missouri Star or Sew Sweet!”

“My Indian name is Wind Walker.”

“I’m yelling at you out of love. It’s for your own good.”

“I’d like to hug — and cuss — the person who invented Chex Mix.”

“You’ll hafta tell all my fans I’ll be down for a week — I’ve got an infected head. Make sure you tell em it’s the big one.”